TW: EATING DISORDERS
Recovering from an eating disorder isn’t what you think it is, it isn’t one pizza after another, it isn’t desert before dinner (as much as I’d want it to be). It’s regulation. Now you’d think that’s how it all started, regulating calories, regulating workouts. There was only one thing I wasn’t regulating during my eating disorder, and those were my emotions. So, the day I decided I want to recover, I bought coloured sketch pens. I colour coded every emotion and vomited my brain all over paper. Towards the beginning of my recovery, which was absolute rock bottom for me, the paper only had 2 colours, black and white. White for happiness, I was ecstatic and euphoric when I saw my body. Black for sadness, pain and melancholy, every time which I felt every time I’d merely glance at food. As the days gradually advanced, new colours were introduced to the canvas, green for the hunger I badly suppressed for so long, purple for the guilt I was slowly letting go of. Blue was for fear, but it was often overshadowed by orange, which was the triumph over fear. Red was for the anger I felt for depriving myself for so long. Soon enough, I had the most beautiful page I’d ever seen, overflowing with colour in every one corner. I made that, my brain, my body, my soul, made that. Eating disorders take a lot away from you, your mental health, your hunger but most importantly, it takes away for ability to feel, it takes away the colour from your life, and suddenly you’re living in black and white. Recovery means bringing back colour, one by one, until you’re a walking rainbow full of emotions.
By Kyrah Wadhwa (Insta: @kyrahkw)
